This is one of a handful of questions that I get asked on a weekly basis that makes me internally cringe.
Why? Because, while I empathize with how bad it can feel to not have a sense of sexual connection with your partner, to me the question feels the same as when people ask “How do I make more money?” It bothers me because you’re looking at the wrong part of the equation. And therefore you’re asking the wrong question.
Don’t focus on how to make more money… focus on how to add more value. Don’t focus on why you have no energy… focus on what food you’re putting into your body. Don’t focus on how to get your partner to initiate sex more often… focus on the current state of your relationship and how you can improve your overall sense of connection so that your partner will be more sexually receptive. In other words, don’t focus on the result… focus on your process!
So… what can you do, in more tangible terms, to get your partner to initiate sex more often? Start with these six things.
1. Don’t expect sex simply because they’re your partner - Yes, it’d be great if your partner was so attracted to you that they simply had a never ending supply of sexual desire that was focused on you and only you for all eternity. In reality? Sexual desire ebbs and flows, and there will be occasions where your partner’s sexual desire has a dry spell and you will feel it. But one of the fastest ways that you can turn your partner off is to expect them to have sex with you just because they’re your partner. This is the definition of taking your partner for granted.
Expectation is the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac. Just because you are in a relationship with your partner doesn’t mean that you get to stop proactively loving them, wooing them, courting them… whatever you want to call it… the same way that they don’t have to automatically be turned on by you at the drop of a hat. Relationships take work. If you stopped creating value at your job, you would stop getting money. If you stop investing effort in to your relationship, sometimes, you stop receiving sexual pleasure via your partner.
2. Feel good about yourself - If your life isn’t going like you want it to (outside of your relationship) and you’re craving sex with your partner as a means of external validation (i.e. the subtext being that you are worthy enough of a person to have sex with), then be honest with yourself about that. There is certainly a very healthy dose of external validation that we get from seeing ourselves reflected back to us by our partners. But beware that that isn’t the sole reason that you’re trying to increase your sexual frequency with your partner. And if it is… work on your life, while also being honest with your partner about what needs you actually need to have met.
3. Clear your communicative blocks - Often, the reason your sex life goes stale is because of the volumes of arguments and bits of dishonesty that have slowly piled up through the course of your relationship. The negative moments that you each build up in your minds about each other or the relationship get stuck in the way of your intimate connection and then quickly drag down your sexual desire for each other. Like giant boulders sitting in the middle of a flowing river, in order to get back to flowing, abundant sexual energy, you need to remove the blocks. How? By communicating more proactively. Start with these ten questions that will help you clear your relationship blocks. Put these sessions in your calendar and make them non-negotiable.
4. Increase physical affection and other non-sexual touch - Humans are a social species, and as such, we crave physical affection. If, by going after increased sexual frequency, you’re really looking for more connectedness, start by increasing the amount of physical affection you share on a daily basis. Cuddle in the morning and at night. Hug for longer than you usually do. Kiss them for more than a few seconds when you’re about to leave for the day. Run your fingers through their hair. Give them a back rub. Hold hands while you walk. Just, touch.
5. Initiate sex more often - Gandhi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” And I’m pretty sure he was talking about getting freaky. If you and your partner haven’t had sex in days/weeks/months and you’re digging your heels in just to see if they’ll break first, then put on your adult pants and be the one to initiate sex. Leave the games to the kids… there’s enough game playing outside of your love life and neither one of you wins in the sexual cold war.
6. Focus on them more during sex - Could it be possible that the majority of the last twenty times you had sex (no matter how long ago those times were) were more focused on you than on them? It’s understandable that someone would want to avoid something that they don’t remember as being that pleasurable/amazing/transformative. Make a concerted effort to understand what turns your partner on, do whatever it takes to blow their minds/make them have the best orgasm of their life, and they’ll be more likely to want to initiate sex more often.
I mean, wouldn’t you be more likely to turn into a repeat customer at a restaurant that has only ever exceeded your expectations with the most mouth-watering, gourmet meals? It’s the same with sex. If you’ve allowed your sex life to go from gourmet delicacy to cheap, quick fast food, then can you really blame your partner for wanting to steer clear of the empty calories?
Still want to find out more? If you have any more personal questions that you want answers to, you can reach out and chat with me directly by clicking here.